his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
