I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
