i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
