You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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