Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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