Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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