i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You've changed since you got that strap on
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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