worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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