seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
