mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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