Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
