glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
