How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
