the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
