bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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