If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
don't judge my taste in strippers
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize