Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
