I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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