i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
