Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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