Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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