My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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