I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
