I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
