genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
