Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
