you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
