Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
