I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize