Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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