She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
