it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
