Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
