I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize