Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
