All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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