You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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