It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize