i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
