Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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