I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
