my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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