he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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