allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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