dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
