I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
