im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
