before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
