I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
