I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
