so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
