Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
