I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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