Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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