My room smells like vodka and shame
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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