just tell him i said nine months
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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