Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
