so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize