Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
