Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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