I have demons in me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My bed smells like the plague
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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