I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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