We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
