just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
