Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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