You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize